Chapter 6. Aise nai ai shi tai
When you tell me that you want to see the ocean
Are you testing my courage?
*****
Changmin skipped two steps at once, climbing up the seemingly endless stair. His face deepened into a shade of blush, and sweats were falling down in the middle of winter. It had never been his “thing” to rush, but of course, being late was definitely Changmin’s biggest “no-no”. He cursed the bad traffic under his breath while pondering for a second or less: where the hell Jae’s sandwich went. He vividly remembered stuffing it into his mouth, carefully stored it in this stomach - dreading the long hours of shooting with Yunho before getting into the van. Yet still at this very moment, Changmin’s food storage was on protest, refusing to acknowledge any trace of the deposit – who to blame? Certainly it learned from the best, the greatest swallower - his very dear company SM who magically cast a “disappear” spell on their income. He smirked lightly drawing the parallel comparison. Soon enough, the smirk formed a full triumphant smile when he caught the glimpse of the top of the stair.
…
At the 78th step, Changmin saw a girl with long black hair standing on the top of an wooden ladder – he wondered how did she got there -.-"
At the 79th step, Changmin caught a glimpse of the day-runner she was holding on to: red with a lot of pictures of Paris and Rome on the cover.
At the 80th step, Changmin almost screamed the triumphant – his signature Mirotic “Again...” at the sight of her watch. Perfect, exactly on time!
Within a few seconds, Changmin’s mind worked in such wonder. Ambitious chick, she must be – he would give her some credit for climbing on that ladder. A little bit bossy? Girls who liked to be so-called “on top” were definitely director type. Busy chick? Over-confident? She did not even bother to drool over the half naked Yunho who was merely 7 meters away from her sight. On a point of the “half naked Yunho”, he added on a mental note to double check if she was a lesbian. Highly positive, Changmin nodded to himself.
However, if Changmin had known about the delay, he would not be that pleased about his little success. And of course, if there had not been any delay at all from the first places, certain incidents would not have happened.
Certain incident, which changed everything...
*****
Changmin walked passed but the girl did not seem to pay any attention to him at all – which was of course rare. He added up a few percent to his mental bet on her gender crisis. However, what was rare-r was the fact that the moment their eyes met, she did not scream or blush or worse, faint – you know, the typical girls’ reaction (Changmin was very very sure he looked so much better in real life than on TV or magazine). Extended one hand over, she smiled in a friendly yet overwhelmingly confident way:
- You must be Changmin. Hi, I am May…
- Yunho’s girlfriend! Good afternoon, please take care of me, I am Changmin.
They exchanged a few words in Japanese. She was a year younger, a student. Nothing physically appealing but there was so much in the way she conversed that made him drawn toward like gravity. She did not practice the typical Asian girl’s “I-won’t-look-straight-in-your-eyes” conversation, on the contrast, the way she fixed her gaze deep in his eyes made him feel as if for this moment he was the most important person in the world (after a while, he did feel proud because full-clothes Changmin captured her fullest attention while half naked Yunho did not – Gee, he should really get over that “half naked Yunho” thing). Before they could further their conversation, Changmin was swept away by the make-up crew. She said “Good bye for now” to him with a smile.
When he looked back, her eyes had already return fixed on the set. They did not follow his step to the make-up table.
They did not.
He knew what that meant. And he was glad, it meant that way.
*****
I want to lay a playful K-I-S-S on you
My desire to love you overflows
Yunho smiled catching the sight of his very polite maknae bowing 45 degree to a girl younger than him. When May solved the heated argument between Mnet Scandal filming crew and his manager simply by agreeing to join him in the photo shoot today, he felt the burden in his heart lifted. But he was not sure if she knew what she got herself into. Make-up usually takes at least half an hour, setting the shoot, camera checking, changing clothes, fixing and mixing the style… all that preparation could eat up to more than two hour… without external delay. When it came to shooting, he prayed that it would end not two hours after dinner time, so at least, he could salvage his date by bringing her to a pleasant dinner. You know, to make it up for her…
What pleased him more was the fact that May did not look bored at all. She greeted everyone with polite bows, walking around and trying to help out with the set up crew. He did not know there were so Koreans who could speak Japanese in this set because she seemed to befriend with everyone before his hair was done. After crumbling her pretty dress, folding up her long sleeves, confidently giving suggestions to the photographer about the concept, she settled down and became busy with her scratch, planning where to put what in her room after their IKEA trip. The last time, he took a peek at her, she was with her day-runner again. Planning what to do, where to go with him the next day and the days to come? Well, he would love to think that way, that even though she took no interest in adoring his six abs, she would at least keep him in her thought.
It was a character trait that he really enjoyed about her. May did not fall out of the picture. She walked in the set and emerged in his world as if she had always been there. Moreover she did not demand attention, or desiring to be entertained. She made things fun. Forty five minute bus ride from her dorm to IKEA seemed like ten minutes. She made “giving up her seat for an old lady” almost too natural by asking him to in her in a game in which they both tried to keep balance on the bus without holding on to anything at all. She made the cheapskate tasteless meal at IKEA bearable simply by adding God-knows-what (or Jae-knows-what) ingredients. Maybe … maybe, the fact that she did not ask her special attention made him longing to give her more. Or maybe, he was the one who desired her notice not the other way round. He decided to remind her that his smile deserved more thought than her book by dropping by. You know, just to say “Hi”
Yunho turned around and thanked the make-up unnie. It was when he lost sight of her. When he looked at the spot under the light, the shadow of the high high empty chair took his heartbeat away. Where did she go? Why was she not there anymore? How did she ever get down from that chair which he personally lifted her up - trying to make sure that she would not part that special spot where he could watch her every second? He looked around but his effort was fruitless and soon interrupted by the photographer. It was not Yunho’s character to be distracted at work, but he found his concentration vanished leaving a mere empty shell behind… Just like her disappearance leaving the chair with its lonely shadow.
*****
Just a while before the crew finished the basic set up, May clumsily fell of the ladder and hurt her knees. It would not be a problem at all, if Changmin was not too close around and made a big fuss out of it. It would not be a problem at all, if Yunho did not act all protective and lifted her up, settled her down in a very high high chair and attend to her knees in front of the world. It would not be a problem at all, also, if seven cameramen did not shove the camera into her face so close that she thought the whole nation would soon see every millimeter of her bare skin. Her face blushed furiously at the thought of being treated like a child.
She spent a good hour on the chair, itching to get some fresh air when the whole environment was polluted with the horrendous smell of paint. However she could not get out of that particular spot, till Changmin walked nearby searching for his shoes. His stomach made such noteworthy noise that she had to bend down and called.
- Psk … psk… Changmin
Poor boy looked astonished, yet his perfect ears immediately found the direction of the “noise” source. He looked up and saw her. He was dazed. His vision failed him … or maybe it was his seemingly empty stomach that played a dirty trick on him. To be exact, Changmin did not see May, not her but her hair cascaded down, plunging deep covering her shoulder, not her but the scoring flash light which brought him back the summer sunshine of 2003. De javu! Whom he saw was someone else, someone else of the yester years that walked into his life and changed everything, leaving him cynical and daunted.
- Changminm, you ok?
She handed over him a cute tiny bag, in which hid her special “saving” in time of need. It took Changmin a few second to get a hold of his composure. Straight hair, Changmin! Straight hair! Not the one that resembles endless ocean waves longing for shore. Changmin opened and get surprised: Biscuits – creamy biscuits in a deceiving bag just to save him the already-too-bad reputation of a glutton. To make thing less awkward she looked away, leaving him deep in thought
- Psk, May… psk…
- Yes?
- Was it very loud?
- Yes, and it’s not good for your health. Biscuits will absorb the acid inside your tummy, and it won’t make noise anymore. Try it, it works!
- How do you know?
- Doesn’t Yunho have the same problem with his stomach? I bring just in case
Oh! So it was for Yunho, lucky huyng. Changmin smiled.”Thoughtful girl, Huyng is in good hands then” Changmin took a mental note to tell Jae about that later on – so he would not be too worried, another note to make a big fuss out of the fact that Jae did not make the sandwich big enough.. and the last note to store biscuit in his bag all the time in the future.
- Thank you!
- No problem, Changmin. You can take the whole thing
- Thank you, I get back to change, ok?
When he was about to leave, she suddenly made a shy request.
- Changmin! Do you mind do me a favour?
- Yes?
- Can you help me down? The smell of the paint makes me dizzy.
- Sure.
So he held her waist and easily brought her down gently, fully aware of her hurt knees. He smirked lightly at the thought of thoughtless Yunho – did his huyng know she could not get down on her own?
*****
When he got back to the set, Changmin was terribly stressed when he got to know about the concept. If he just had to pose naked in front of the camera – and in turn made 80 000 plus plus girls loose unnecessary blood through their nose, he would not have made such a huge fuss out of nothing. If he just had to hold a model and pretended that he did not give a damn about her, he would gladly do it – because, guess what? He did not give a damn. But holding a half naked girl wearing mere jeans was certainly crossing his line.
- Manager Huyng, I won’t do it!
- Changmin, come on, be professional!
- Huyng, I mean it. I will not do it!
There his mismatched eyes went again – and it was just enough for them to know: Changmin meant it. He would not do it, no matter what. The upset photographer made a huge fuss – turning the whole damn thing into a commotion. He was mad, of course, he was. It was NOT about being professional or not. He knew what he was saying. What image did they want him to have posing in such frown-upon manner?
- Changmin…
- Yunho huyng, don’t you convince me to do it
- It’s not about it Changmin
- And don’t you do it on my behalf just to please the photographer. Your girlfriend is here
- Changmin, breath, just get some fresh air, I will try to work things out.
Changmin walked off, trying hard not to let his emotion overtake him. The female model was… how old? His sister age? What were they thinking? What made out of him?
Yunho saw Changmin’s footstep vanishing. His mind was in deep mess. What to do? How to make things work? Where was May?
*****
When Yunho witnessed the horrendous fight between his manger and the photographer in silence, trying to sooth the discomfort, Changmin found himself on a deserted rooftop. Frustrated and disturbed, his fingers dove into his pocket and found the last cigarette deep inside a hidden layer. He lit the fire.
One breath – screw those sick minded people
Two breaths – who give a damn about the shoot?
Three breaths – did he just shove Yunho into a difficult situation?
By the time he took the 5th breath and exhaled foggy air out of his mouth, he heard a “Wild soul” from a cell phone. He suddenly turned around and saw May sitting on the abandoned advertisement sign. She tilted her head lightly, speaking in perfect Korean words of consolation. She looked like a mother soothing a child over the phone. Seoul was dyed in the purple color of an early sunset, so was her hair and her dress, flushed in the depressing view. She smiled weakly at him, giving a light signal – please continue what you were doing, mind me not.
He blushed furiously when reality hit hard. Caught red handed, the maknae of DBSK was discovered smoking. Media would make a big freaking fuss. Cassie would flip. Controversy right after the noisy lawsuit was the last thing he wanted now. The cigarette on his hand felt hot, burning.
- Don’t …
- I won’t.
- …about the cigarette.
- I like cigarette smell
She said quietly, looking down at her shoes.
- I am sorry.
- Don’t be… Actually, thank you. I miss that smell
He walked toward her, leaning his back against the rusty advertisement sign where she was on.
- I really miss that smell, Changmin.
- You smoke?
- No, my dad does. And I miss him. He always smokes after dinner, when we have a bit of family time.
- How long have you been away from home?
- Almost the same as you.
- You were very young back then
- So were you.
They shared a few words, nothing much. Both of them were engrossed in their own thoughts. No more words, the cigarette was the only light that sparked between them. He finished it up, threw the tip to the floor, and faced her.
- Aren’t you disappointed?
- With what?
- With me smoking?
- Should I?
- Typically, yes
- I don’t have such expectation and illusion about you
- Not at all?
- No, you are 22, you watch porn, you mess up, you smoke… It does not define who you are, that you are good or bad or something along that line. It’s just the process of growing up.
- So what does it say about me?
- You are human. And I am glad you are.
She whispered enough for him to hear. He felt relief, and peaceful being here, being next to her who demanded nothing from him, expected nothing from him.
- Who’s your favorite in DBSK?
- Isn’t that obvious? I am so in love with the manager
- What? Why am I asking such silly question, anyway? Yunho’s one truly great guy.
- I know.
- But you know what you got yourself into, right? Us, Cassie, media?
- I know, but I am not looking for attention, security or anything for myself
- A firm shoulder to lean on? No?
- No, I am doing just fine. Not a shoulder to lean on…
- Then?
- Not someone to tame me, but someone who run wild with me, lead me.
- Is it?
- Someone to create a home with me, no matter where we are, what situation we are in.
Right at moment, Changmin heard his name called, and he knew he had to go.
- Wait Changmin!
Changmin was taken by surprised when he found her fingers around his wrist firm and assertive. May took out from her bag some lotion, and gently coated a thin layer on Changmin’s cold palm.
- To prevent the smell, It lingered the most in your hands, not your mouth. Between you and me, ok?
It was natural. There was no physical appeal. She was like a best friend from childhood who took his side despite the inacceptable crime. He rushed off, but stopped midway. There was something he needed to tell her
- You know what? You are the exact opposite of someone I used to know
- Someone special?
- Yes, someone who meant the world to me
- So what does that make of me?
- Make u the very similar to the nasty me and that makes us friends.
- I like that. We can be friend.
Right when Changmin finally found the first girl friend after decades, right when May smiled happily with the thought of dinner, something shattered in someone else’s heart.
Across where they stood, far enough to hear nothing of their conversation yet close enough to catch every single god damned movement, stood Yunho like a status. He finished his negotiation with the photographer a while ago, looking up and down, here and there and everywhere for May. However, someone else had reached his “destination” before he did. Someone else had already found her and got all her attention before he did. Someone else had made her smile and burst into laughter before he could grab a chance.
As much as he hated it, that someone was Changmin.
Which path to my goal do I have to take
To keep from hurting anyone?
***
Gods and goddesses, all those mighty immortal, amoral divines broke in to hysterical laughter. The game was just getting more exciting. The game… Who cared? Who knew? Once the dice rolled, the game must go on.
