Chap10. Always there
Block the light
When you leave, it has to be dark
*****
Because I'm so sad, so hurt,
You're the only one I can see
“I won’t back off. I am not going to back off” At the back of her head, May heard her voice hoarse. It would hurt and she knew it would hurt a lot – coming from a man, it must. But instead of avoiding that rough cold sweaty palm springing high above her head, she stared – glared straight into his eyes... He fist clenched tight draining the last drop of blood circulating underneath her skin pale – awaiting the blow with dignity. In split second and perfect silence, her warning roared like summer thunder storm sliding half the pitch dark night: “You can hurt me physically but don’t even think you could fear me with a mere slap. You just can’t”
In mad anger, he sprung his hands high with all this might and strength. For a man who had no nobility and never knew anything thing of such, he was too eager to teach that defiant chick a lesson.
Or so he thought.
Because before he could have achieved his goal, his wrist was caught tight and twisted mercilessly by another firm and unforgiving grip. A taller, slimmer shadow of a younger youthful man moved swiftly between him and his target. As the immediate pain shocked his every fiber, in awe he looked up to see the ever familiar face – the signature mismatched eyes shooting profanities into him.
- Don’t you dare…
The mood darkened within seconds. His hand was still held midair. He let out a pitiful groan, struggling to ease away the pain, but the grip only got tightened and the eyes turned fiercer and fiercer.
- Changmin, let go.
- Huyng!
- I said: let go
Yunho shot a dead glare on the man he once talked to with utter carefulness while commanding Changmin with a totally different tone than the one May had known. “Leader-sshi” she mumbled. She truly underestimated him, that under his ever kind smile, ever bright composure, there was this side of him. Changmin loosened his hands and slightly back off leaving Yunho confronting that man face to face.
- I apologize for my member’s hot temperament.
Yunho spelled his words out difficultly with all the last bits of respect, trying hard to hold back his rage. His facial expression darkened into a dangerous glare as he continued his five cents:
- However, it’s truly unkind of you and indeed disrespectful to speak of someone who can no longer defend himself. Moreover, it’s intolerable of you to raise your hand upon a lady, especially when she is my girlfriend. I demand a proper apology from you now.
It was clear he did not have a choice. For a merely 1.69 meter tall man to be cornered by three god-like tower flaming in rage, it was only wise of him to swallow his pride down the throat and mumble a soft “sorry” in Japanese – the one and only word he hardly ever use ever since he mastered the foreign tongue.
- Fair enough, we’ll take our leaves now. Let’s catch up when we are all in a better mood. Enjoy your party.
As he said his final words, Yunho walked off with his arms wrapped around her shoulders, pulling her away. Jae was still dazed and so Yunho touched him lightly to get Jae’s head back to reality. Changmin followed Yunho without a sound. He knew it wasn’t wise to say anything right now. He knew, silence should be best, till Yunho’s next words were spoken. It was best to just pretend cool, so the camera on the 2nd floor could just continue to roll – fooling the audience with the pretentious harmony.
*****
Even if my mind was erased,
I wouldn't forget your face
Your face is clear when I am full of sad memories and tears
- Changmin! How many more times do I have to tell you? We can’t just throw punch and disrespect those people – Yunho grunted under his breath when he finally walked out of the ball room.
- Huyng, are you saying I am wrong? – Changmin eyes widened before they were suddenly narrowed. His voice trembled - And why the hell must you apologize on my behalf? I did not feel sorry for what I did.
- Yes, I am saying that you were wrong. You are not new to this entertainment industry. Don’t make it more difficult for me.
- What are you talking about, huyng? He almost hits your girlfriend and you just let it slide?
- Then what do you want me to do, Changmin? – Yunho’s sudden stop shocked both May and Jae. The leader and the magnae stood face to face, neither wanted to back off from the heated argument – What exactly should I have done?
- I…
- You don’t know, right? Screw it, Changmin, guess what? I don’t know too. No one hurts my girlfriend and that’s definite. But I don’t go around and throw punches on people because if I do – that would make me as despicable, as shallow minded as them. And never do I want to see you react in such manner again, you get me?
Changmin swallowed hard.
- If I weren’t there, he would have slapped your girlfriend across her face. Because you have always been too kind to predict the miles those amoral bastards would go to save their non-existent pride. If you vow to protect her then do it. For all that I care, when you were too busy thinking what politically correct action you should enact, someone could have hurt her beyond your imagination. I meant what I said. And I said that because I cared.
With that, Changmin took his leave, leaving behind the widen eyes Jae, the confused May and the shattered Yunho.
- I probably should go… - Jae blinked his eyes twice before he bid May goodbye, with a light squeeze on her hands.
Yunho showed no hint of acknowledgement toward his members’ departures. May quietly thought as she watched Jae’s shadow swallowed in the dark end of the lobby. As the last trace of Jae vanished, she waited for a while, hoping he would break the icy silence first. Yet in vain, he stood like a status with his breathtaking god-like features accentuated by both the darkness and the tilted warm street light coming from the half open window. She stood in the dark, eyeing – trying to calm her heart beats, knowing so-well there was more important thing to be bothered about than adoring his handsomeness. She fixed her gaze onto his lips – at that particular line where brightness met shadow leaving a beautiful touch of mysterious despair. Her eyes traced invisible feather touches along those rises and falls and they stopped for a moment. His eye browns slightly pulled into a soft frown denoting composed deep thoughts – yet the storm that was raging in his almond shape eyes was the perfect betrayal, giving her scattered hints of his uneasy ongoing reflection. Before she knew it, the sudden urge to lay a kiss on his soft skin, in the valley formed by his fury – you know, kiss away his burdened heart, overwhelmed her and shook life into her fibers of being. Her cheek flushed cherry blossom. She turned away, making her leaves in utmost awkward attempt to cover up her embarrassment
- I guess we should also go back…
As she stumbled her way through her messed up and undefined emotions, she felt warm – slender – soft fingers held hers back. And swiftly those ten fingers intertwined in perfection – she held her breath as his voice cracked
- Kajima…
She bit her lips, sensing his yearning. Gently, she brushed her finger tips against his skin before tightening her finger into an assurance. She whispered:
- I am not. Not away from you.
- What happened?
- …
- It’s been six years.
His voice was hoarse ghosting warm distant breath heating the icy gap between them. Six years? Had she forgotten how time crept like a thief robbing away uncountable sound nightmare-less sleep; and how it ran with all its might and snorted haughty snarky spat: “You can’t possible take them back. You can’t. Your youth, your time under the sun, your first love – you can’t possibly catch up with me” with its finger waving provocatively at her nose. Had it really been six years? Once there was another hand enveloping hers, there was another hot breath sending life across her spine with words of adoration… Or was it only yesterday. She closed her eyes
- Six years, May. Yet today, the hurt in your eyes told me another story. It wasn’t an aching scar. I saw raw open wound. It’s not like you to take it that personal, especially when you are very much aware of the other party. He does not matter, not even someone you would bother countering an argument.
- Yunho…
- May, it’s not about what he would do in the disfavor of DBSK. I could not care less. My boys and I work hard enough to stand on our own feet, with strong and proud backbone. But it kills me to see you raising all your weapons, putting up the guard. It kills me to see my girl friend unable to get over a past pain.
- Yunho, I …
- I am really sorry for what happened. I wished I had known earlier, be more sensitive. I am also sorry that you got to be my girl friend, not Changmin. But you can’t continue like this. Please confront the fact.
In darkness, little did Yunho realize the spark of lightning in her big brown eyes.
- What fact?
“fact” – oh so let’s talk about the fact! With utmost bitterness she retorted the question immediately. “fact” – that word, overly used by those strangers who never had the slightest idea of truth was nothing but her allergy – the kind that dropped like concentrated acid on bare skin. She snapped, absolutely unaware of the unkindness in her tone
- The fact that he left you by choice… May. He left you by choice.
- What do you know, Jung Yunho?
- May, I was slow and I was careless, but I care for my girlfriend.
- You care…
- I did some research - about him, about the incident. I read the article. I am sorry for what happened…
- And what if I tell you it’s all lies, that none of those craps they fabricated was the truth, that my boyfriend did what he must do and he did not have a better choice?
- Please, I beg you… He chose to bid you eternal good bye. Don’t make this more difficult for all the three of us
- Choice, choose, chosen. How easy those words slip out of our mouth. I am standing here, with my heart ripped out and torn open. I am willing to tell you a story, begging you to listen… And you… You made your choice, Yunho. You believe those unknown reporters, who hunger for news, thirst for money and cannot care less for the truth… Of all the people you! How many times had those reporters fabricate groundless rumor about your personal life, the law suit, your family, and your members? You believe them… more than me?
- There are facts and there are opinions, I understand… I am just…
- What fact do you know? You can’t even see the obvious. You can’t even tell that bag of biscuit I gave Changmin was initially prepared for you. For God’s sake, if it’s meant for Changmin, it would never be green and has your initials on. You can’t even be sure if it was you I love or Changmin. Have I ever blushed simply at the sound of his voice? Changmin and I – we kick and bicker and God-knows-what childish things we do to make up for the lost time. You can’t even figure out that I cross all those miles because of you. What make you think, you understand a man whom you have never met, have never seen and will never know? What give you the right to judge him?
Her lips trembled. Pale as if the blood that circulated her entire body was drained dry. Five fingers clutched tightly in a fist, her finger nails dug deep n her pale skin. There was desperation – there was despair – there was exhaustion and there was her, standing in front of him, in disbelief. Never had he been a man who was skilled with words, with women or with comfort – how he wished he were, especially right at this moment.
- May... I
He reached out his hands clumsily with the desperate attempt to hold her. But his soft fingers felt like fire on her skin and in his confusion, he clutched her wounded fingers. She stepped back, widening the already unbearable distance between them. His mouth opened – a word, a phrase, something, anything and everything he could think of at that moment almost spilled out to salvage the situation but they all struck in his throat. He could sense her anticipation. “What is she looking for? Say it, give it to her so…” – his mind roared demanding order to his brain, forcing his mouth to spell out something decent. May waited, waited and waited at the dumbfounded Yunho. In desperation, she directed her gaze upward, (so that her tears would not spill out like water fall off the cliff) and breathed out her despair.
- Say you didn’t mean it… Say you are sorry… Say you want to hear from me… Say that you trust me… Your pick, Yunho, any of those and I would swallow my pain in. But you choose silence. How hard is it, Yunho, just to pretend that you believe in me?
Then she turned around and walked away… Her steps were uncertain and reluctant at first but gradually they became sure and before his mind clicked the ending of his scattered thought
She was gone.
- Say it, give it to her so you will still have her by your side… as long as she is still by your side.
Even if my mind was erased,
I wouldn't forget your face
Your face is clear when I am full of sad memories and tears
*****
Even if I emptied my heart,
Our memories will still hold its place
Yuchun remembered he could only blink twice before they two disappeared in light speed. It happened so fast - he was struck paralyzed with such confusion he couldn't remember ever experience. Stood dumbfounded in the middle of the road with the wind howling mournful longing, he tried to recall what actually occurred between that double blink.
He remembered standing next to the sulky moody Changmin outside of the building for some fresh air – out of all that noise. He also remembered comforting the younger one, messing his hair up artistically before Changmin had the chance to protest. But that - that came after that heated conversation between them two after which he couldnt be any more proud to take the credits of calming the infamous "wild soul" down.
- I wish he wasn't the bloody leader!
Yuchun's eyes did widen hearing that conclusion spilled out of Changmin's mouth. But before he could demand a sound and reasonable explanation out of Changmin... windstruck! He mumbled
Yes, Windstruck! That was the first word that came to his mind and Yuchun couldn't find a more apt, more precise description to depict such experience. She came like the wind unexpectedly dashed open the entrance door with her hands pressing hard on the place where her ripped heart throbbed naked, in her most clumsy attempt to cover the destruction. She was like the wind, struggling to carry away the heavy clouds filled with unpredictable rage of storm and thunder and lightning - just so no drop of heaven tears fell on his perfect world. He recalled the smell or her gentle perfume and glassy eyes mirroring the soak wet color of Seoul night light.
Yes, Windstruck! That was the first word that came to his mind and Yuchun couldn't find a more apt, more precise description to depict such experience. She came like the wind unexpectedly dashed open the entrance door with her hands pressing hard on the place where her ripped heart throbbed naked, in her most clumsy attempt to cover the destruction. She was like the wind, struggling to carry away the heavy clouds filled with unpredictable rage of storm and thunder and lightning - just so no drop of heaven tears fell on his perfect world. He recalled the smell or her gentle perfume and glassy eyes mirroring the soak wet color of Seoul night light.
He remembered, remembered Changmin’s attempt to use his own towering height and block her still. Changmin, Changmin – who always has the faster reflex in this kind of situation than him - Yuchun shook his head in shame, held her in his arms, forcing her eyes to collide his gaze. But before both of them could blurt out a single word:
- Take me away…
Yuchun did not know much, and he was pretty bloody sure neither did Changmin. However, that voice though soft, though breathless, though drown in despair was the loudest emergency siren to their ears. Within a swift movement - Car key threw, car key caught – Yuchun blinked.
They were gone,
Leaving him and the shadow of the black speedy Audi
Like a fish, diving in the dark dark endless ocean
*****
- She is gone?
- Yes.
- To where?
- With Changmin
- Am I too late, Yuchun?
...
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- No – Jae’s husky voice tore Yunho’s sudden surge of loneliness – No, Yunho, no one is ever too late for love, at the very least, not you.
I sit and think at the place where we made our promise
Will I be able to share the love I have for you?
*****
