Chap8. Tea for two
I am going to kiss you
And tell you, “I love you”
And you’ll just simply nod your head.
Just like today.
All tears dried sooner or later – the sooner the better. All wound healed sooner or later – then again, the sooner the better. All pain, no matter how unbearable faded sooner or later – of course the sooner still is the better. So why don’t we call it a day? Let’s not torture those mere mortals for a while – we were after all eternally kind forgiving divine. Before they started accusing us as “brutal” “heartless” whatsoever, shall we grant those attentive readers our gift? Let them surf from currents to currents of hidden thought, dive into the unspoken world of the five beings who were busy messing around this tiny square-ish box – they called room.
*****
You and you only
Can make me strong and weak.
I love you and love you more
- Me think, if Jae continues to suggest changing the current color of my curtain, from green to bloody pink. Me may ask Changmin to knock sense into his head – knock real hard. But me, still want to live in peace, not torn into pieces by Cass – me think me should keep mouth shut. Oh… smile, May, smile! Charismatic Junsu-ish smile.
Just like that May smiled like an idiot to the confused Yunho who was slaving his ass painting the rest of the ceiling cream.
- You smile like an idiot! – Changmin retorted
- Changmin, don’t be rude!
- Seriously, she smiled like a clueless mentally unsound patient, Yunho huyng
- Changmin… DO-NOT-INSULT-THE-UNFORTUNATE. – Jae grunt lowly
- She just have a sprained ankle, it does not make her a less fortunate. She can’t park in the special lot.
- You are hopeless. Yah, shut up, will you?
How could Changmin read her mind out loud? It’s not as if she did not know there was a high level of stupidity in her smile… but she just could not help it. She tried in vain, not too blush too vigorously when he placed her on the arm chair, gently, too cautiously as if afraid like snow, she would vanish; when he sat on the floor and held her leg in his warm hands; when he softly stoke it affectionately, sending ticklish feeling across her spine, when he – out of the blue, pulled and twisted decisively. It hurt so bad she screamed and almost dropped a dead glare at him… But he smiled innocently back…How that smile melted her!
And there she blushed again… This must be an incurable sickness, like an allergy, which she was at lost in control. She blushed, when he smiled.
*****
- Me think, for a girl her age, green and cream is like… so Yunho bias.
*****
- Me also think, to make an unhealthy person blush continually just by smiling confusedly at her, Yunho deserved to be arrested for his potential harm to the society. Blush – blood rushing to her head – causing dizziness – fainting – that’s quite a mess. Me, in another word, think, that if Junsu keeps taking the remaining cookies she bakes out of that jar, me may not be able to hold my coolness and snap… There will be blood. I don’t mind Su’s blood staining the cookies. It’ll just be bloody delicious.
*****
- Me wonder, if Junsu continues eating May’s cookies, would Changmin attack him? Such a cutie Junsu, did not even know what to talk to May, ended up telling her silly gag that she was too kind to laugh. I bet she does not get it. Aish… what a cutie, sitting, munching cookies, like an innocent prey, unaware of the predator. With Changmin’s speed and his long leg, it won’t take more than 2 second across the room, and this day next year, we will commemorate Junsu’s departure… Kiss shita mama Sayonara. That end note is pure genius …
*****
- Ummm… yummy cookies, what’s her recipe? I should ask her to try and add natto instead of jam for the centre of the cookies… that would make my day! … Wah… so nice… let’s have another one!
*****
- Junsu, Wanna die a painful death? STOP EATING MY COOKIES – Man, he does not read “glare” I forgot.
So there in that tiny room, six people, two sick, four healthy happily crafted a home out of a pure mess. Unable to sit still and let people take over her master piece, May hopped around one –leg, just so Yunho would pick her up again and place her in the chair – not forgetting to inch his face close to hers so there eyes parted for less than five centimeters: “Do NOT move, or else I would come closer!” However that warning did not seem to be effective. Within fifteen minutes, he would have to go around and search for her again – just to find her either bickering with Changmin over the cookies jar, or smiling sweet to Jae, yet in the “I’m gonna smile but whatever you say, Jae! My room’s not gonna be pink”. Once in a while, she would be found in the middle of her messed up boxed, digging out another cookies jar for Junsu – coconut crushes May-made chips or something like that or talking cheerfully in English with Yuchun.
*****
If the world was to end tomorrow
I still want to smile like this.
Standing in one corner of the room, dusting the shelf before arranging neatly books on, Yuchun kept his eyes fixed on May with much puzzle. True enough he sometimes wondered if he belonged to this world. He lived in the perfect crystal clear bubble of his own happiness and sorrow, drown himself in his own misery of inexplicable emotions. Most of the time he detached himself away from the crowd – just to make sure he would not lose this very important part of his heart. Even most of times, in his lonely drive, he wanted to crash hard into the sideway and bleed – for real, to stop – this internal aching, so that he could feel more vividly the pain. From where he stood at the moment, he watched the five of them perfectly, nodded perfectly at the correct moments – to let Junsu know he totally agree with Junsu: “coconut crushed cookies made by May were to die for” – though he had not found the heart to take one out of May’s jar – which was held possessively by Junsu and watched aggressively by Changmin.
Yunho, Yuchun’s clueless Yunho, the man who would rather forget his exhaustion to listen to his friends’ craps than telling them off and call it a day, was busy hanging some pictures on the wall for May. Scattered memories of her past, he observed, parts of her present and he’s afraid, an inerasable part of her future. The way Yuncho softly smiled glancing at May with a hint of shyness brought Yuchun this inexplicable bliss. But what awaited Yunho? This would not last, no one should pretend the blatant truth.
Yuchun motioned his hands gently, enough to catch Changmin’s attention. The younger man moved swiftly next to him. The talked quietly, underneath their breath – just to make sure none of the seven cameras could catch a word of their conversation. They stood with their back against the bookshelf, filled with English literature novels and several poems pasted almost randomly as if imprinted on wood, not the heart of the writer. Changmin narrowed his eyes, searching for something – a missing piece of the tragic puzzle.
There it was, on the top of the shelf, second book from the left, Crimson Sails. Changmin and Yuchun shared a brief glance, less than a second of fate, before they flipped.
A newspaper article flied out, flow in the air like a leaf in the river… A young man’s handsome face, identical to the one in May’s picture frame – a less than a page report … A beautiful youthful smile. One crumbled article, cut out neatly from some newspaper of 3 years ago with odds. Crumbled it was, not because of careless or ignorant safe-keeping but soaked tears that dried. Wacked it was – Yuchun caressed the fabric with utmost tenderness – as if a river had poured its fury over such fragile note. Tears would dry, no matter how much, sooner or later. What they see was merely the fact – but what about opinion, what about the dried tears, the frozen heart?
Outside the window, in the coldness of winter, Changmin wonder if ice had defrosted.
From the kitchen, Changmin and Yuchun heard May’s laughter, pure and wholehearted
- Her laughter… like chimes in the wind… How long did it take for her to smile again? This way?
- I wished I had known her since the very beginning… - He muttered underneath his breath.
More than anything and everything
Our encounter is such a bless
*****
I wonder what you are making?
But if you are the one who makes it
Then even the scent of vanilla only
Would make me happy.
[While in the kitchen]
Who cared if her room was extremely Yunho-biased green not pink, despite her age and gender? Who cared if she refused to take his advice – Jae pouted. Well, he was for sure man enough not to fight with her over what? Curtain color!
However, when it came to the KITCHEN, Jae will not compromise. Jae will just NOT.
Yunho sat nervously in the arm chair, stealing glance at Jae and May’s back. The cold war had been going on for the past thirty minutes – and the tension was surely not a joke. Yunho would never get it, why they must argue over salt and fish source, fresh chilly and chilly paste, and why Jae must be so meticulous to May. Yunho dazed himself into his mess of unanswered questions, while preparing the lunch table with Junsu.
- Jae, common!
JaeJoong could not take this kind of look – THIS, he meant Yunho’s look – THE look which he got everything his way despite Jae’s anger. May could paint Yunho green and Junsu orange, he would not care, but kitchen, DongBang kitchen belonged to Jae and Jae alone. How could she insist on cooking chicken when Junsu was on a diet? How inconsiderate! He never trusted himself with younger girl for this particular reason: they were hard-to-understand, irrational and emotional. But Yunho coated his look with a killer smile
- Alright, alright! Why don’t you prepare yours and I prepare mine?
- Sure, Jae – she paused for a while before looking straight into his eyes and said softly – till eternity, nothing can’t replace Jae’s dishes on DBSK table. I merely want to lend a hand, not intrude, not threaten, nothing of such.
Jae remembered his face, flushed in crimson – furious not but confused. So they shared a kitchen. Back to back, without much word, Jaejoong failed to feel at ease at May’s presence. At the back of his head, he could feel the burning eyes of Yunho – puzzled with his a hundred and three questions. To be honest, Jae had been looking forward to this day, this moment – sharing the kitchen with one of his member’s girl. He had visioned them sharing a good conversation, in which he would let out all the secret recipes to his midnight ramen, her lover’s favorite food. However, he could never quite picture it would be this awkward. Was there something wrong with her? Anything or nothing at all? She had been harmless – to be exact pleasant and friendly. Was it true? He – JaeJoong – afraid to be lonely again? To be abandonded in one way or another by the people he loved the most. It happened once, didn’t it? Even the woman who brought him to life…
- Jae, careful!
May grabbed his hands decisively and turn on the tap. Freezing water poured aggressively into his finger tips and they flushed pink almost immediately. Deep in thought, Jae burned himself with the furious steam evoking out of the hot pot. While the flaming heat had not hit him hard yet, he saw Yunho’s utmost worried face popping in th kitchen, dragging him by the wrist out.
- Jaejoong, be careful! What have you done to yourself? You should not have entered the kitchen. You really should not.
And Jae could see those words, sharp like thorn crushing his heart. For whom did he venture himself into someone else’s territory, arguing senseless with her to make sure their food are well prepared?
- Yunho ah, Jae is just slightly burn. He’ll be fine. I guess he would not mind joining me in the kitchen. I still need a coach
- But he..
- You don’t mind, right? Jae?
He remembered nodding for the sake of not bursting into argument with Yunho. And the next thing he knew, he was sitting comfortably in a chair with his hands being attended carefully, meticulously by her.
- Isn’t it tooth paste?
- Yeah, it is. I want to make sure the burned skin won’t get blister. Isn’t it cooling?
- Yes, my mother would do this to me whenever I hurt myself. How do you…
- Well, let’s say, I burn myself uncountably, hit here, bump there, flip over obvious stuff.
- Sounds familiar – Jae chuckled – You know Yunho is the same? His movement is so big he just knocks everything down.
- He must be a public nuisance for you, especially, is he not? But yes, I heard from you before
- Me?
- Talk show. You exposed everything. And it’s really sweet.
- Ahhhhhhhh, for real? I am such a burden. Yunho always has to clean after my mess. He must be tired of me.
- Jae?
- Yes?
- Yunho did not mean to be… ungrateful about your effort. I believe he just… he just would not mind eating even yesteryear frozen food if it meant your beautiful fingers are safe and sound.
- You really think so?
- He almost lost his mind just now, didn’t you see? Common, Jae, give him some credits.
- You have beautiful hands
- Mine? Why so random? I have a tiny scar here and a tiny cut there, my nails are not even painted.
- When I said beautiful hands on television, I meant hands which create beautiful things – a home, a family meal, a cookies jar… I guess fan misunderstand me and spend truck lots of money on manicure and pedicure…
- Wait! Isn’t it the reason why you went on TV again and said that you like hands without nail polish?
- Neh? You get me
- Wah, I am able to figure Kim JaeJoong. It’s my honor. Now why don’t you tell me how to finish the dishes?
Lunch was served at 3 p.m. Yunho almost went senseless for hunger. Well, but it seemed to worth the waste. May and Jae appeared out of the kitchen with hot pot and chicken while another promising desert was waiting in the fridge.
- Huyng, no fair, you know I refrain from chicken. This is TOTURE!
Junsu plunged his legendary duck butt in the soft cushion on the floor, while Yuchun and Changmin had already sit with their legs folded awaiting their late lunch.
- Junsu, you can eat this dish. I specially make it for you.
- May – Yunho explained – Junsu is under a strict diet, he cannot …
- Go beyond 250 calories? Jae told me. But my chicken only has 190
- Serious? – Junsu questioned in awe
- Yeah, I took out the skin, that’s 150 calories less and use fish source instead of salt, low fat butter instead of full cream. Trust me, I get the recipes from Oprah.
- Oh My God Chicken!!!
And that was all before five guys dug in the delicious temptation. Good food, good conversation - if not for their manager’s gentle reminder, Yunho really thought they could go on forever. He remembered
- “We would then get married and have our own family, but I’d love us 5 to live close to one another”
He said that before and he remembered every single word he said. There had always been thousands of what if-s: what if his wife could hardly get along with members, what if she got jealous unreasonably with JaeJoong, or annoyed with Yuchun’s speedy car. He had been worried much – refusing to take side, whichever it would be. Unlike Yuchun who could draw a clear cut line: his girlfriend must be approved by his family and friends, Yunho knew when it came to love, there was nothing so defined as black and white. He had always been proud of members. His boys were all great men who possessed good manners. How could they not be accepted? But there was a gap between “accepted” “tolerable” and “love”. As much as he wanted to find a “daughter” for his parents – not a daughter in-law, a “sister” to his younger sister – not a sister in-law, he desired to find a Jae-female version to DBSK, just kidding.
However, sitting on May’s floor now so comfortably leaning against the foot of her bed, eating her collaborated-dish with Jae, watching all 5 of them conversing in such casual manner, he wondered if he wasted his many sleepless nights worrying about such ridiculous issue.
This was… Yunho was not too sure which word would precisely portray what he truly felt now. He had always been bad with diction: what would this be? This mixture of pride – proud of her ability to capture his member’s heart, even through their stomachs, of comfort – comfortably watching his family enjoying a light supper.
So Yunho sat on her floor, watching his member one by one going off to prepare for SM gathering in the evening. He waved goodbye to one after another, somewhat like a proud host, satisfied with his guests’ pleased expression.
Just the two of us together like that.
*****
It’s a lie that I wanted to help you out
I just wanted to kiss you
Embracing you from behind
And when the last member exited, Yunho turned around, about to say something…
Yet
Within a fraction of second, sunshine rushed in his pupil, flooded his sight with blinding light. The sun was about to set casting very last breath with its golden silk. Thirst for a shielding shade, he found her. Her shadow cascaded on the floor, stretched like a calm river, flowing tenderly from the kitchen till almost where he was. Like a silent movie, as if nothing and no one else mattered, he was hypnotized with her swift movements: with every time her hands turned clockwise and anti on one side of the dishes and the other, rose and fell splashing tiny drop of water, with focus look on her face, between her eyebrow. She stood in the changing shade of the afternoon. In the shadow, impulsively Yunho felt the urge to reach out and capture the golden liquid in his hands, let every drop flow on his skin and melt away the last trace of the freezing winter.
To be honest, above all, he felt the inexplicable need – almost like an insuppressible desire to walk over and hug her from behind, to smell her hair and warm her hands with his. He wanted to capture her fullest attention.
- Yunho, can you help me?
May tiptoed however, failed to place her biggest place on the top shelf. Like a boy caught red-handed stealing forbidden sweets, Yunho blushed furiously, while rushed over in such awkward manner. And in his clumsy attempt, he stumbled forward and lost balance. Human instinct? For Yunho immediately reached out for his nearest, safest zone. Or was it fate? When Yunho had the courage to look up, May was in his embrace. Yunho breathed in sweet fragrance… Mesmerized in such closeness and warmth, he failed to hear the excruciating sound of broken glass.
But May, May hear every sound. If it was a sonata, she must have heard the painful roar of each individual note before thousands of them smashed together. May stood frozen, her body went limb and lifeless. Without Yunho – like a firm structure – holding her on, she would have, could have – must have collapsed with the sight of the crystal frame shattering into thousands of pieces.
Time froze, the two cups of tea on the table breathed out last white warm smoke before turning idle and awkward. The clock ticking and their hearts, after skipping remarkable beats returned to normal. May struggled to break out. As an immediate reaction, without being able to explain why and how, but he knew, things would not be the same once he let her go.
- Don’t move! Please …
They stood still for a while longer, long enough for Yunho to feel the warm tears sipping through the layers of his fabric, touch his skin bitterly icy. He whispered breathlessly but the shock emptiness left him paralyzed. He caught her fragrance, and that alone sent sharp pain crushing his heart…
She was gone
Afraid to think what if you don’t love me.
Even if it’s painful, I still want to protect you.
