Chap7. Holding back the tears
*****
Though it seems silly - we’re always together
The pain that I want to let go
Dries the tears that flows through my body
Of all the people, Changmin!
Yunho exhaled a deep breath, yet in vain, the burden in his heart was not lifted, even just an ounce. Yunho knew, it was not easy, not easy for Changmin to laugh the way he did with a stranger, to talk animatedly and cheerfully the way he did with a stranger, to sit so comfortably next to a stranger – especially when THAT stranger was female in gender and he just knew less than hours ago. Yunho remembered the absolutely ignorant Changmin who paid no attention to pretty SNSD during their trainee days, the almost “non-existent” Changmin who minded nothing else but his very own business: come and go and practice and return to school. Maybe, because of that unique personality Changmin possessed, his huyngs were always worried about him the most.
- What I hope for Changmin this Christmas… is a friend – Yunho once said that in an interview – You know he’s the maknae. Not all the time he finds it comfortable to express his thoughts to us. – and Yunho always meant it.
There came the “happy” mismatched eyes! Changmin must have found something really ridiculous and passed an extremely blunt remark. Now that Changmin smiled in such manner, exchanged thoughts so freely with May – both then burst into youthful laughter almost immediately, should Yunho not be happy? Should he not abide his promise with members to do anything and everything to keep that merry expression on Changmin’s face? After all the tragedy that held weight in the boy’s heart…
Yunho was posing on the set but it was very obvious that his mind wandered off somewhere else. Changmin settled himself comfortably next to May with a water bottle in his hand and another, already given to her. They both were watching Yunho while munching the last cookies left in the jar.
- Admit it, he is hot.
- It’s not all about flesh, Changmin.
- But that flesh is too hot to resist
- Are you competing with me? Common! You have your JaeJae and his “one touch”
- Yah! Don’t ridicule me! I am no gay.
- Yeah… and you are telling me Yunho is irresistible
- If you don’t find him sexually attractive, I am afraid to conclude you as lesbian
- What?
- What… WHAT? Common! Six pack, lean body, chocolate skin, 1.82 tall – which was faked up to 1.84 by our dear SM. What else do you ask for? Junsu’s butt?
- It’s not about that…
- Admit it, you proud girl. What’s wrong with admitting he’s bloody hot
- Aishhh perverted Changmin. I just don’t like to see him naked in front of the whole world.
- So, you just want him to be naked for yourself?
- Gosh, damn it! Changmin, not every chick looks at Yunho like a piece of meat? Chop into pieces and admire him as part not as whole? By the way, having Junsu’s butt isn’t that great. If Yunho does have that, you guys will grope him all the time. Yunchun’s forehead it ok haha
- Yunchun’s forehead will turn Yunho into a freak, you silly girl. What kind of human whose forehead is wider than his own head? End of the story, he is hot, isn’t he?
- YES, Changmin, yes, he is. Why are you so keen on getting me to say it
- Because you are so stubborn to state a fact. See, you just need to SAY it. Why is it so hard?
- Because I don’t want to be just like every other girl. I don’t want to fade in the majority and be forgotten… I know after this week, I will be forgotten. I don’t have any illusion against that. But, I just hope to stay a bit longer in his memory…
She turned away, and devoted her fullest gaze into Yunho’s eyes. Changmin saw that and a few things that he wondered how to decode all into sense. True enough, he would NEVER understand girls. Never! Never would he understand why just by saying those words, May’s eyes turned teary, sparkled light of the flashy colorful set. Never would he understand why it was so terrible for her to be “just another fan girl”. Or never would he figure out why May’s gaze did not trail down Yunho’s wet body but fixed in his beautiful almond-shape eyes.
Yunho shivered when the photographer shouted “DONE” He was wearing a soaked wet jean for his last shoot, while it was snowing outside. The stylist wrapped him with towel and warm jacket. The photographer said the last 50 shots were his best. May was gazing into his eyes the whole time, with Changmin sitting beside her looking utter puzzled. Those warm eyes prevented the coldness from creeping into his bones, the turbulent thoughts from stirring up his distraction. She jumped up like a kid when he finished.
- Let’s go for dinner, Yunho. Are you done yet?
- I am, but Changmin isn’t. Don’t you want to wait for him?
- But… I mind eating dinner with him. Very very much!
- I thought you two get along?
- He took your last cookies. I saved it for you in case you are hungry. He will finish our dinner and we will be left starving
Yunho was astonished at such ridiculous answer. This was the side he had not seen from her. Nothing mature, nothing “forgiving” and kind, she was like a child counting the number of cookies in her jar and pouted profoundly once found a missing piece. He laughed lightly and brushed her fringe aside awkwardly.
- Alright then, wait for me to change.
When his shadow disappeared after the curtain of the changing room, May whispered breathlessly, too soft even her own consciousness could not catch the confession of the heart
- I am selfish, I just want you for myself. But I am too proud, I cannot bring myself to admit it.
*****
- How was it?
Yunho would very much love to be greeted with a “HI, WELCOME BACK” the moment he stepped into the dorm rather than a JaeJoong sitting on the couch questioning him with other six pairs of eyes staring at him, watching his every movement.
- Changmin told us she was “cool”
- Not “cool”, Yunchun – Junsu retorted – “coooooLLLL” You should pronounce it very correctly. It’s a looooong COOOOOO and there is a “LLLL” behind it. “COOOOOLLL”
- Cut that Duck butt huyng, how was dinner? You two LEFT without me. I had to return home and eat cold ramen. No fair.
- Yah, you bloody finish even Junsu’s share of dinner and you are complaining? – Jae reached across the table to “one touch” Changmin within a snap
Dear God almighty, this was the jungle You sent Your precious son to live in with four national top rank senseless men. Is this Your test, dear Lord? My endurance was going to hit its maximum.
- I am tired, guys. Can we talk tomorrow?
- But but…
- Junsu, you should sleep early too, Jae texted me that your fever was not over yet.
- Yunho huyng…
- Night, guys
Yunho left eight pairs of eyes puzzled and returned to his room. He was not ready to confront them, not now… Not till he figured out what was actually going on his head.
- What’s with him? – Yuchun directed his question to Changmin
- I don’t know. They seem pretty “meant to be” today. He even lifted her up in front of the whole world
- Did he? – Jae asked, wide eyes
- Yeah, he bloody did, poor girl blushed like mad
- “Poor girl” wait a minute Changmin, since WHEN you care about girls, you Casanova? - Yuchun mocked
- Since she is my friend
Changmin stood up, immediately after his shocking declaration.
- And besides, scanning girls, looking at them does NOT make me a Casanova. Dating them senseless DOES. By the way, she would come to visit us somewhere this week. BE NICE. I mean it
“I mean it” mismatched eyes! Got it, the remaining three heads nodded… enthusiastically – fully aware of the consequence if they went against the “order” while six pair of eyes turned even more puzzled. What’s wrong with both of them? They stayed for further fruitless discussion a while longer but all decided that it would be a bad idea to get Yunho mad at the moment for not sleeping early. Yunho could be fun, but he could be stern. Not something they wanted to experience now, though.
*****
As said, when the remaining members of DBSK had already retreated to their nest, Junsu lightly turned the doorknob of his shared bedroom with Changmin. To his astonishment, Changmin was not asleep. He was wide awake, staring intensely at his computer screen. There wasn’t a word spoken. It was almost like Changmin was absolutely ignorant with the existence of Junsu in the air. He sat there, in perfect posture, with a pair of glasses hanging on the bridge of his nose, reading something over the net. Now and then, Junsu heard the flipping sound of Changmin’s pocket dictionary… His fever cooed him to sleep. Somewhat in his dreamless rest, he saw the shadow of the light, sparkled in the reflection of Changmin’s tears
*****
In the other room, JaeJoong closed the door gently, afraid to disturb Yunho’s sleep. He took a quick glance at the leader, who clearly seemed to be exhausted. With those many years with Yunho, Jae knew well: there must be something that bothered Yunho a little too much today. So much so he returned home in such manner. Not someone who would jump into conclusion before he was sure, Yunho always avoided discussion when he had not figured out his stance. Jae pulled Yunho’s blanket higher to cover the leader’s chest before diving into his own.
- Jae, don’t buy this kind of blanket next time we change dorm, ok? It’s bulky and is harder to wash
- Huh? You are not sleeping yet?
- Yeah, buy the fluffy one which we can change the cover, instead of washing the whole blanket weekly.
- Great idea, Yunnie. Where did you get that?
- IKEA, instead of “I wanna go home”. It’s cheaper by half there, and more choice of blanket covers… to suit your artistic mood, and Yuchun’s also. Buy the cotton one, since Yuchun is allergic to animal fur.
- Oh, I mean, where did you get that idea from?
- …
- Yunho, sleeping yet?
- From her.
- She seems like someone who is capable of creating a comfortable home
- Yes she is
- Changmin told me she advised him on chewing biscuit when his stomach grumbles. She seems to be capable of taking care of a family
- She is…
Yunho whispered under his breath, assuming JaeJoong had already dozed off.
- But I am not too sure, if that cozy home is for me.
Little did he know, JaeJoong was still wide awake. Silly Yunho, did he not know girls only go furniture shopping with THE man they feel the most like the strong pillar of their home? She chose him, or God’s shake and he doubted it. IKEA date? Choosing furniture together? A home for two? He trailed off, somewhat green with envy and blue with the vivid memory of her. “It’s not about you. It’s the idea of a home that freaks me out! Don’t cross that line.” He had crossed countless lines – had kissed her in the rain – had cried his eyes out in the middle of crowded street – had danced with her on the top of Venice church… had tasted her salty tears linger, but could not break the final one. He flipped his phone, no reply from her. Wherever she was at this moment, did she have the slightly idea that being unable to hug her to sleep at night was the most unbearable torture to him? And… he was existing with this pain every second passing by.
*****
Yunho was awake, till the clock ticked and tock and ticked again evenly, telling him it was almost 3. Whenever he closed his eyes, he saw the image of Changmin with the cigarette, leisurely standing next to May, inhaling and exhaling till the last toxic breath. Changmin who would never smoke or drink, never revealed his vulnerable side in front of his huyngs of 6 years with odds, could be so comfortable next to her. He tried to brush the image aside, pushed the memory down to the toilet and flushed it – the metaphorical way Junsu always advised him: “Wipe your ass, huyng and flush it! Flush all those craps SM told you!” – without Junsu’s silliness, Yunho did not know how the five of them would have made it through the days… those particular days.
Yunho recalled – the night market – she – pulling away from his hands, yet still helped him tricking the camera men – him – holding on to the fabric covered her wrist, wishing it was the warmth of her hand
- You don’t have to do it, when you don’t mean it. There isn’t a need to hold my hand, or kiss me goodbye. I will follow you, I promise I won’t get lost.
Yunho recalled – the awkward dinner – him – could not snap away from her image with Changmin – her – questioning eyes - ordering everything he liked, despite her secret hatred for kimchi.
- You must be tired. Let’s eat something you like!
Yunho recalled – her – insisting on him returning home early for some 45 minutes extra of sleep – her – lonely bus stop – lonely 1 hour bus ride back to her dorm.
- I should not have let her hand go. I should have told her I wanted, I mean it. I wish I could have just asked her frankly.
Yunho recalled the last thing she said before pushing him into his van.
- Yunho, promise me one thing. Believe in no one but me, not even yourself or your instinct. Ask, if you want the answer. Please don’t assume anything. Promise me.
*****
In this place I live the present life instead of the memories
3.30…
It was indeed an odd 3 a.m. in DBSK dorm… the clock went on his endless race with every second – a new mark – a new moment to remember
Yunho tossed and turned. He heard music coming out a little too loud from Jae’s ipod. Random boy! He had never been able to fix that old habit no matter how many times Yunho told him: “set sleep mode to your ipod, don’t let the ipod run the whole night” But then, it’s just Jae’s thing. He always wants to wake up, greeted by a familiar song – the one that always made him cry in those rainy days without fail. Yunho stood up and lower down the volume.
- Yunho, I am still awake.
- Yah, JaeJoong, you should sleep, you have schedule tomorrow
- Ummm… how long does it take for a message to be delivered?
- Huh?
- How long does it take for a message to reach other person’s heart?
- Maybe in seconds, once spoken
- Maybe never, once rejected, isn’t it?
- But at the very least, the regret will not be on your side, you know, not voicing up your feeling.
- Hope so.
- Jae, would you back up if we fall for the same girl?
- Huh?
- For example, supposedly she’s your girlfriend, but you find out that she’s so much happier and more comfortable with me, will you back up?
- Yes I will, and so will you. We treasure this brotherhood more than life, having been through so much together for the past years. I can’t imagine being separated from you and Changmin twice in mylife. So will Yuchun and so will Junsu…
- …
- But Changmin won’t. He won’t let go of the one he loves, no matter what.
- Huh?
- Remember Changminw dared go against Ga In’s husband on national television? I still laugh at the mere imagination of huyng’s reaction upon hearing Changmin’s “I heard from my members your husband is a good guy, but I am not bad either…” Don’t you think it’s hilarious? He was so young back then yet he had that kind of guts and sureness. Now? He won’t give us a chance
No, it was not funny. It wasn’t hilarious. It was nothing to laugh about. Jae! Yunho wished he knew, he just pierced Yunho’s heart, knocking sense to Yunho’s clueless head. Yunho wanted to scream out his frustration. What to do? What to do now, Jae? I can’t snatch away the first girl who made Changmin smile so carefree-ly after his years of cynic. But if I don’t I will let my chance of sunshine slip away.
*****
3.30
Junsu turned his back against the wall. His eyes caught the light, sending utter discomfort across his feverish body. Before he could open his mouth and nag Changmin to sleep, his voice disappeared.
It wasn’t his fever playing a trick, hallucinating him with the view of wide awake Changmin
Again, it was not his illusion: the light, the tears… the laptop… the dictionary. Years living together, not once had Changmin bleach his night white. If there was one thing Changmin could not help: falling asleep easily. What kept him till this moment? What burden his heart? Junsu wanted to ask a million questions with odd, but his bits of sanity told him to let the maknae be.
*****
3.32…
It wasn’t an odd 3.32 for an awake Yuchun.
Yuchun never slept early, not till it was four, and he also never woke up on time, not if noon had passed. He made a trip to the kitchen, passing the common corridor and the living room… He was as astonished to find Changmin getting out of his room, with a blanket hanging loose across his broad shoulder.
- Huyng.
- Wah, Changmin, how come you are not asleep yet?
- What’s “deceased” in English mean?
- Death, Changmin. Death. A life’s gone, forever. .. Changmin, why are you crying?
Yuchun held his maknae in his arms, while Changmin broke down in his huyng’s embrace, hands still hugged his laptop closely.
- Here, here, Changmin, sit down, let’s talk. I will get you a cup of warm milk, ok? Wait up.
*****
I'm holding back the tears
3.43…
Yunho tossed and turned on his bed
Jae mumbled the too-familiar melody, staring blankly at his stark black phone await a spark of life coming in from an unknown destination on earth
Junsu pulled his blanket over, to cover his confusion – a million questions and one odd still bothered him… maybe not now, not today
And in the living room, Changmin turned his laptop over to Yuchun over a cup of milk. He sat leg folded, confused, damaged in the arm chair, watching closely his huyng’s reaction. Yuchun narrowed his eyes. After a moment of awe, his eyes widen, and tears – it was now Yuchun’s turn – to shed tears over an opening blog
… a blog of a girl, hundred entries long – the girl who in time, would unintentionally bring all their buried memories back to life and unconsciously cut their scar open – where raw wounds of the yesteryears still ached.
*****
I bring my two hands, together again
Across Seoul, there was a girl, buried in a mess of new furniture, yet could not find a comfortable chair to call it a night. She kneeled in front of the tiny window, in quiet prayer she asked God for forgiveness and blessing… A child of God, she was not, yet still she kept her prayer wholehearted and sincere every night for someone else, someone else who now rested in a place called afterlife, someone else who once meant the world to her…
****
I walk trying to lessen the weight of my heart
To a place that is neither close nor far
Where a different me stands
I will not cry
6.00
May stood next to her dorm gate, confused. She had been standing her for more than half an hour. She had sung all the songs she remembered… but still, her lone shadow was her one and only accompany. She inhaled a deep breath, looked at the watch for the last time and started her morning warm up. She cursed herself for hoping so much, for believing so much in his words. She cursed herself more for not bringing her ipod with her, believing he would be have been by now, they would have been talking to each other cheerfully now…
So she sang, throughout her morning jog, all the songs she knew well, even the song she only remembered the chorus… till the last bits of songs she only knew part of rhyme to finish her planned round around the university.
“He would be there when I got back!” She told herself, pushing her step wider, pushing her breath shorter to preserve the last bits of strength. Another step and she would be able to catch the sight of the campus gate. May stood still, closed her eyes and prayed. “He would be there waiting for me!” However when she stepped the final step, reached on the top of the slope, the empty frozen gate greeted her with its indifferent eyes.
He wasn’t there.
She did not cry – for in the snow, the sky seemed to shatter thousand pieces of raw grass piercing though her pale skin.
- Spare your heart, May. Why are you like this? Remember your words, never circle your world around him… Never
There were footsteps that snowy morning, lonely footstep that formed a crooked circle around the sleeping campus of Seoul University, twisted like the forced smile of a heartbroken person.
I. Will. NOT. Cry
****
Morning came, morning left. Noon knocked at the window of Yunho’s room with cold wind. Yunho found himself conscious at 12.30 a.m. He screamed his head off. Why the hell? Why the hell his manager and the MNET Scandal entourage - like twenty people odd yet NO ONE had the heart to help wake him up? Yes, damn it, YES! He did promise her to jog together in the morning – though she did not ask for. Yes, damn it YES! He did promise her breakfast to make up for his tiredness last night – though again, she did not ask for. Yes, for the love of God, YES! Screw him, he did promise to help her with all the purchased furniture in the morning, before they go for the SM party in the evening - and of course she did not even ask for any of that.
Yunho dashed across the common corridor, caught the view of puffy eyes Changmin, puffy eyes Yuchun barely awake on the living room couch. As he made his way pass the kitchen, he was amazed to see yet another two puffy pairs of eyes gazing back at him.
- Yunho, why are you still here? I thought you were going to meet her this morning? – JaeJoong asked
- Damn it, I overslept. I promised to meet her at 5.30, now it’s … GOD, 12.30
- OVER SLEPT? AND YOU LEFT HER HANGING THERE IN THE SNOW SINCE 5.30?
Yunho was caught dumbfound at the already raised voice of Changmin. Dead silence enveloped the room. Junsu did not dare to move at the sight of the already-formed mismatched furious eyes Changmin. What’s with him?
- Yah, huyng, HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?
Wasn’t it wonderful? To wake up and be greeted by two very unique high pitch angry voices – Changmin’s then Yuchun’s. What’s with them? JaeJoong felt suffocated, the intense air they breathed seemed frozen like a slide of cold cheese cake. What’s with them?
- If you promised her, then keep your words, I mean it, else I’ll…
- Else you will what, Changmin?
- She had enough already, huyng. Don’t shatter her heart! – Yuchun’s frustration exploded.
- All of you calm down! – Jae, whom had never seen this kind of chaos among his members, especially over an unknown girl, broke the ice with his serious tone. – We are brothers, we sort things out together. Why are you all raising your voices?
Jae took a deep breath. He thanked God he lived till today to see such a scene. 5 of them around the breakfast table, teeth un-brushed, hair un-combed and already there had been argument.
- Yunho, what’s your plan for today? With her, I mean
- I am supposed to jog with her this morning,
- AND YOU LEFT HER JOGGING ALONE AROUND THAT CAMPUS IN THE MORNING?
- Yah Yunho, you have SENSE or not? It’s dangerous. I don’t dare walk around it on my own
- Enough, Yuchun and Changmin! If I hear anyone raised his voice again, I will NOT cook for a month. Anything else, Yunho?
- After that we planned to make furniture together, and decorate her room… You remember I went to IKEA yesterday?
- YOU WHAT? AND…AND YOU LEFT HER CARRYING ALL THOSE THING ALONE? YAH, YUNHO! WANNA DIE IS IT?
Ironically, Jae heard his voice cutting glass. She was a girl for crying out loud and he overslept leaving her alone with all those furniture… Jae screamed in disbelief. He had always loved decorating a home… a home but never had the time make his wish come true. Yunho had it, and wow, congratulation, Yunho, you blew it.
- Changmin, Yuchun drink up your meals, BRUSH YOUR TEETH, Yunho – what are you waiting for? BATH, and don’t you dare dance. We have to be fast and make it up for her.
- Huyng, your sattori – Junsu chuckled.
- We?
- Yes, we, Yunho! I am coming. Changmin, Yuchun, you don’t mind, do you? Double shake heads, ok! Here we come.
- What about me?
- Junsu, dear, you are still sick, are you sure?
- Yes, I want to meet her.
- Then grab your jacket and finish your medicine! Or else I will drag you butt to the hospital and get you a zap.
- Jae, I can manage it, you guys don’t have to…
- If you could you would not have messed it up. Go, Yunho, go and bath!
Within a blink of an eye, all five were dressed in casual clothes, all five were ready and all five were eager – though with different reasons. Changmin, Yuchin, Yunho – towards helping May, JaeJoong – toward decorating the room and Junsu, our dear boy – toward getting out of his sick bed, after days staring blankly at the coconut pictures sent by Thai fans.
*****
No matter how hard they tried to keep it low, the campus of University of Seoul still turned into a chaos at the sight of the boys. When they reached the school yard, along all the balconies students crowded, chanting their names endlessly.
All? All would be an exaggeration, for Yunho gazed at the door on the 5th floor, room number 19. It was closed, indifferent and ignorant of the fact that all five of them graced their appearance here for its very owner – the only one who could not care less.
- Since when we have fan-boys, Junsu? – Yuchun narrowed his eyes naughtily
- Huh? Since when?
- Sine you cutie did the cutie angel pose, silly
- No, not that, and stop flirting with a sick person! – Changmin retorted with his very disagreeable tone
- So may I know your answer Changmin? – Jae asked curiously
- Since you wear that wig, put on that sly make up and the f-ugly dress…
- You mean since I stole your first kiss?
All conversations could end in a messy one-touch fight simply thanks to that “gentle reminder” of JaeJoong. Changmin unconsciously wiped his lips at the horror of his traumatizing memory. “Should have skin him alive! Should have chop in into bits!...” Changmin quietly thought of his brutal revenge. Oh, well, it was Changmin, he never quite forgave anything… anyone… even himself.
Yunho wanted to come in first – in case she threw broom at his member by accident. So the other 4 boys stood outside, peeking in. When he finally made his way through the mess reached the room, Yunho found the reason why she did not join the roaring crowd. On the top of the ladder, there she stood, with a few band-aid of different colors covering different size cuts on her fingers, with hair neatly tied in a pony tail, with a thousand and one features like dazzling yet invisible banners – punching him in the eyes: “I don’t freaking your help”. She was lost in her own world. The hammer in her hand struck decisively at the nail one after another.
Yunho did not have the chance yet to apologize when he saw the shadow of a taller, slimmer, faster – very familiar boy dashed through the door, landed right next to her.
- Yah! May, what do you think you are doing? This is the job of a man.
Caught by surprise at the very unique voice, May slightly lost balance – and none of the boys were fast enough to catch her from falling so she landed flat on the floor. Her pants were accidentally pulled up knee length. Four loud gasps, one after another made May profoundly confused. JaeJoong covered his mouth.
May’s legs were tattooed with blue black bruise and red mark all over.
And the yesterday cut was stained with just-dried blood
Yunho narrowed his eyes. He wanted to say something but man, guilt! Like water in the air, once invisible, once weightless, once insignificant now crystallized into sharp unforgiving frost stuck half way in the middle of his throat. He swallowed hard. He felt the burning glare from four pairs of eyes directing at him without mistake… Tension enveloped the room. No one knew what exactly what to say when thousands of mixed emotions took over the sense.
- Hey… Hi! Will it be too much of me to ask anyone of you five gentlemen to help me up? I think my ankle is twisted.
She broke the ice with an awkward smile – like a child who committed a sinful crime, fully aware of the consequence. Immediately, almost unconsciously five of them moved forward in rescue. Who to blame, they were all too shocked at the undesirable view?
- I got her!
Yunho whispered quietly while Jae placed his hands lightly on the Changmin’s chest – wordless assurance: “Changmin, it’s OK. Yunho gets her. He’ll take care of her. Changmin, rest assured! Yunho gets her…”
He smoothen her pants – his smile distorted looking for the last time at her wound before picking her up from her awkward position on the floor. In no time, she was in his arms, chanting endlessly: “Thank you” to him and the rest of the members, smiling shyly, bowing and apologizing for such a messy condition of the room. Yet he heard nothing… for her face was close – too close against his chest. So close, he could hear her breath, hear heartbeats and cherish that short moment when her face flushed crimson…
When he put her down gently on to the arm chair, she finally gazed into his eyes. He expected pouts. He expected hatred, anger… He expected all of that – gladly taking in. Yet she graced him a smile – not a pretentious one, not a forced one, not a polite one – but a sincere and childlike beam.
- I am sorry, May. I overslept. Forgive me. Don’t hate me.
- Neh? Silly Yunho, don’t expect me to be like you? I don’t even have enough time to love, why would I hate you?
And with that, she squeezed his hand in an assuring manner. Her hand was cold, cold from the heartless winds of the snowy morning jog, cold from the terrible lack of energy which was devoted to create this tiny home of hers, cold from the ice of the forced-freeze heart – afraid to love again. However cold her fingers were, with that tiny little bit of warmth left, she gave him her all unknowingly.
Didn’t she just say “love”?
I run strengthening my faith with every step
To a place that is neither high nor low
Where a different me stands again
With a small smile
I can laugh
again
Author's Note
Dearest reader(s),
Thank you for your support to this fic so far, though most of the time, I look at it and wonder if this is a mere fan-girl's obsession with DBSK eps. U-Know. Still I write on, not knowing how many of you out there who are actually following this fic - it's not the number that counts.
it's the faith
Today fan-dom was shattered. Some died a little too much inside, some could not face the truth - some cry - some ... I do not know, we face a whole lot of different emotions. This only proves one thing, DBSK is love, DBSK plays too much of an important role in our hearts.
Having said so, I have read such negative fb status today. "Not all gods create miracle. Farewell DBSK" and I was deeply hurt. IF THEY DO NOT CREATE MIRACLES, THEN WHO DOES? Look at us, look at our lives, look at those moments- thanks to them we survive. For a simple suspension in Japan, how could fan turn away so fast?
Having said that, I believe some will leave fandom very soon. Many of my readers - my assumption that there are actually readers, will have a vague guess that this fic will end here, sooner or later.
But guess what? I am not a fan-girl. I stand behind their back and with many other true red blooded Cassie, form this system of support to DBSK - now and forever, as 1 DBSK and as 5 individual members.
So as long as I still breath, as long as there is still internet on the land I stand, still electricity for me to plug my laptop - this I promise you, this fic will not die a premature death, the same fate goes to my secret plan for a full 5 DBSK boys novels. Changmin's Evergreen will come next after A chance of sunshine. I never want to say something before things are pretty much done. But for this moment, I will utter my plan out loud - so there is no way I can loose this fighting spirit, take back my words and turn my back against something/ someone I believe in so much.
I say enough, and I will talk no more. For while I am talking senseless, I know Yunho is working hard, JJ is getting drunk, Changmin is watch porn (jk) - I do think he is busy with the drama and school work, Yuchun is expecting his new sit com and of course Junsu is preparing for the Untitled single. I don't want to loose out to them. I don't want to look at their success and achievement and AWWWWWW or WOOOOWWW about it. As much as DBSK makes Cass proud, it's only fair, we keep faith and support them - in turn make them proud for who we are - their extremely mature and dignified fandom.
So take care, everyone. If you are a student, ACE your exams. If you are a nurse, be KIND to your patients. If you are a dreamer, ACHIEVE your goals. Whoever you are, if you have ever called yourself their Cassie, make them proud. For bloody hell, they freaking deserve trust.
Your Writer,
Linhieee
